Sometimes it'd be nice...

I'd like to be able to sleep in my bed on the weekends.
I'd like to be able to come into my bedroom after they leave and not see cups, bowls, etc EVERYWHERE.
I'd like to not be blamed for their cups/bowls/etc being everywhere.
I'd like for them to pick up after themselves, clean after themselves, and just be considerate.
I'd like to not be woken up anymore with my nephew headbutting me.
I'd like the bruise on my eye to go away because it was not right for my nephew to throw things at me.
I'd like to not be yelled at for telling Scott to "stop biting me." Because when his mom tells him to stop he doesn't listen, and it's not like he listens to me either.
I'd like spanking to work instead of just making Scott laugh and continue to disobey.
I'D LIKE FOR SCOTT TO JUST OBEY IN GENERAL.

Human's make no sense

Why do humans insist on returning to situations where they are abused, mistreated, etc? It would be so much easier if they simply said 'its over' and left, forever. Better for them, better for their children, better for their futures...

Sigh.

I Miss It

I miss High School. I miss being able to walk through the halls and see my friends, or being able to have close relationships with teachers who really understand me. I miss not being expected to be perfect, or mature. I don't miss the drama... but in an odd way I kind of do. I hate that now I have to wonder when the next time I'll see my friends will be. I hate that I am still being lied to by some friends.

College is changing everything. And sometimes, I just want High School back.

Friend Drama

So I called my friend Stephanie yesterday to see if I could come over. About 2 minutes before I get to her door her friend Chantel, my ex-friend, called her and told her SHE was coming over. Of course, Stephanie failed to mention that I was there or the fact that she already had plans with me -_-

Well Chantel ends up coming over and it's like whatever. Stephanie and I talk, Stephanie and Chantel talk, we all talk a few times. It's basically like, ok whatever I'll basically ignore you.

Well then Chantel springs on Stephanie and informs her that she's taking her to the movies to watch the new Harry Potter. First of all, you little witch, I already had plans with Stephanie. You have NO right to start talking to her and telling her to get ready to leave because it's cheaper. Finally I got tired of it and told Stephanie bye and left. I hate Chantel and she hates me and I was just not going to deal with it.

Here lately there's been a lot of drama going on. Ugh.

Fail Parenting

My mother is extremely jealous of me. I couldn't tell you why, but I've known this for pretty much most of my life. I think it's because I didn't have to do the same hard labor and work that she did as a child, but I can't be 100% certain. Obviously this jealousy has caused many issues between us, and it sparks many fights.

Tonight, one such fight happened.

My mom always tries to yell at me and force me to do things for her, ever since I've turned 18 I've started standing up to her and I refuse to take her crap. Today we got into a fight about how she claims I haven't been exercising. I tried to explain to her that all break I HAVEN'T exercised and have still lost weight. She said "Honestly you look like you've gained some back." I said "oh really? Because I weighed myself at Ashley's house and in the few days between that I had lost 2 pounds." Then of course, the argument starts and she freaks out at me.

Yanno what, I don't have an issue with exercising, I don't. It's the fact that we don't have food in this house right now that if I DID exercise all I would be burning would be muscles. I can hardly find enough food to eat 1,500 calories a day (minimum for me to survive), if I want to work out I'll need at LEAST 2,500. She doesn't seem to understand this, no matter how many times I explain this to her.

But whatever. She always has to have her way. And I'm not going to let her ruin my week. My birthday is Saturday and that's all that matters. If I have to walk a few blocks to my friends' house to get her to shut up, I will.

Good job, mom, you win.

Our fears and how they effect us..

I was just thinking about this due to a dream I had. Normally I do not have irrational fears, but there are two things I am terrified of that can literally cause me to go into panic attacks if I do not get out of the situation.

Fear 1 is stairs with no backs. Since many people have no clue what I'm talking about, look to your left to see the sort of stairs I'm talking about. Those absolutely terrify me. Many places in our world have these sorts of stairs, and that inhibits me from going to said places. My sister used to live in an apartment with these type of stairs (but they were metal, which scares me more than wood ones) and I couldn't even walk up them to give her some groceries. I panic, and go completely stiff when I'm being asked to walk onto these sorts of stairs. I honestly panic and break down and if I was forced to go too far up a set of these stairs I may actually start to cry. I have no clue why I'm afraid of these stairs, all I know is that I am and the panic that I experience from walking down or up these sorts of things cause me to not want to get anywhere near them.

Fear 2 would be thunderstorms. Or rather, tornadoes. I am freaked out anytime a storm happens because all I can think is "what if there's a tornado? will there be a tornado? will I die?" My body reacts in a violent way and for much of the storm I am in the bathroom losing anything I've eaten. This is why I generally do not eat before a storm and rather wait until after. When I was a little kid I absolutely LOVED storms, I would sit on the porch and watch. But one day that all changed, and that was the day when a freakish turn of events caused around 10 funnel clouds to hover over my town. I watched them from the porch and then one started to come down and my family panicked, and we all ran for the closets (because our basement flooded every storm). My cat ran out of the closet and outside and I started sobbing because I was so afraid he would die. Luckily, the tornado didn't touch down in our town and we were safe, but ever sine when we get a tornado warning I have anxiety attacks and begin to cry.

And now the entire reason for this post...

I had a dream where I was at my grandma's house. We went into a part of the house that isn't actually in my gram's house and my sister was trying to get me to go outside. Well, the stairs had no backs and of course, being afraid of them, I freaked out and told her I would not go down them. So I turned and started back the way we came, but then everything changed and the only way to get out of the place we were at would be to go down these stairs with no backs. As I was freaking out trying to find an exit a storm blew up and the entire house started to rock. Just as I looked outside and saw the start of a tornado, my mom woke me up. I was stressed, confused, and breathing hard and it took me a few minutes to realize it was all a dream.

In a way, it's pathetic what I'm afraid of, but for some reason unknown to me it effects me and causes issues with my life. I used to be fine with these things, but now I am not.

While I'm at it, I figure I should mention a few other things I'm scared of:
Elevators (terrify me, I can not get on one. Or an escalator for that matter)
Heights (I live on the 2nd story and am getting over this fear, but you would never catch me near the edge of a cliff)

Birthday Plans and how they don't work.

Weeeeell, my "wonderful" birthday is coming up this Saturday. I will be 19 (yay? -facepalm-) and will be nearing the ends of my teenager years.

So of course my parents are like "you're 18, almost 19, we're not throwing you parties anymore." Noooo big deal. I can throw my own party. I am 18, after all. Of course, I can't afford one of those amazing parties that has been thrown in the past. So I warn my friends ahead of time that we will be having juice and peanut butter and jelly... and probably no cake unless my sister pulls through.

Well, I can't have the party at my house so where... whereeee could I have it? EUREKA! The graveyard! Now before you guys are all like "wat?!", me and my friends spend quite a lot of time at the graveyard. There is a grave there that says "Unwanted Baby Girl 'X'" and my friends and I have adopted her and named her Simi, this is why we spend so much time there. We have had picnics at the graveyard, we've had sleep-overs at the graveyard, you name it and we've done it. Well... we've never had a birthday party... yet.

So here I am all like Wohooo! I can make my own birthday plans! When suddenly it happens.

What happens, you ask?


The weather.


Oh yes. So I was checking the weather and guess what is supposed to happen the day of my lovely birthday plans? Not rain. Not snow.

A full, blown out, angry storm.

In fact... the only day its NOT supposed to storm is on Thursday.

Aaaaaaarghhhhhhhh.

Well, there goes my plans.

On to plan B!

What is plan B?

B. For Begging. My mother.

You see, I've been trying to talk my mom into just letting me have my party at my house (some of my other friends are like 'omg a graveyard no way') and she's been kiiiinda like "okay" but also like "no" so... I guess I have to pull out the whole "It's going to storm and we'll get rained on and die." dealio.

Well. That's it for my ramblings right now. I'll probably be back with more later. (Hey, this is sort of becoming a diary or something lol!)